In the first of a series of in-depth reports on the science of male sexuality, we track a sperm cell and its delicate payload, the underrated y chromosome, on their fantastic voyage to make a man. You’ll never look at your balls the same way again.

In the time it takes to read this sentence, your testicles will have produced 5,000 sperm. By the end of this page, another 100,000. A billion more wait in reserve. They hope to be released inside a vagina, but if no woman is available, they will find a way out. Your brain will help by providing a fantasy in which the female doesn’t say no. Your brain is generous with these fantasies. You can’t walk down a runway of breeders like Fifth Avenue in Manhattan without judging every woman in an instant as doable or, in more polite terms, as a means to push your genes into the next generation. If you could have a quickie with every five or better without expending any effort besides catching up with her, and she would bear your child without asking you to stick around (with the exception of a few playdates; you’re not heartless) or pay for anything, how many kids would you create? Moulay Ismail the Bloodthirsty, ruler of Morocco from 1672 to 1727, is the official record holder, with at least 867. Because with as much grief as men get for our seemingly boundless sexual appetites, it’s not about getting off. We can do that on our own. At the most basic level it’s about ego: There can never be too many versions of you.

That biological truth drives the conveyor belt in your testicles. It also drives this article, the first of a series that will examine what scientists know about male sexuality. The sperm factory is a natural place to start because the tenacity of a single spermatozoon produced by your father’s factory is (along with his seduction skills) the reason you exist. A man’s sperm factory operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week, from about the third grade to as long as 48 hours after death. The genetic material packed into the head of the first sperm to penetrate an egg—the lone survivor in a sprint that resembles either the Boston Marathon or Death Race 2000—determines whether an infant will be born with a penis or without (with a few notable and fascinating exceptions).

The spermatozoon that created you, the quadrillions you will produce and those made by your sons constitute a brotherhood. Each contains a nearly identical Y chromosome, the trigger that makes the man. We will ride these sperm for the first part of our journey. Saddle up.

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The juice on the juice
Slaves on 17th century Caribbean sugar plantations didn’t have easy lives. So it’s not surprising they found a way to dull the pain a bit by distilling fermented molasses (a by-product of sugar production) into what they called kill-devil. The earliest mention, from a 1651 logbook entry, describes it as a “hot, hellish and terrible liquor.” Which it undoubtedly was, but that didn’t stop Caribbean pirates from getting ripped to the tits on the stuff, burning villages to the ground and sailing back to Europe with hulls full of gold and booze. By the 18th century rum was the most popular liquor in the Colonies, with thousands of distilleries tucked among the whorehouses of New England’s port towns. Business waned during the 19th century, but after Prohibition rum made a comeback. We now consume more of it than any other country, but only in the past decade has there been a stable of widely available connoisseur-level rums. We figured it was high time to salute the preferred hooch of sailors, beach bums and anyone else with devils to kill.

White rum
Often referred to as light or silver rum, this subtle, sweet and clear spirit is the foundation of most rumbased cocktails. White rum is typically aged for a short time in uncharred oak casks or stainless-steel tanks. This liquor comes cheap, but we suggest you spend the extra 10 bucks for Platino Matusalem ($32).

Gold rum
This category is sometimes referred to as amber, but either way, the rums in it spend a few years in charred bourbon barrels, which impart the eponymous gold color while blunting the spirit’s inherent sweetness. It has a slightly more robust flavor than white and is used mostly for making mixed drinks. See Bacardi Gold ($13).

Spiced rum
A category that emerged in the mid- 20th century, spiced rums are gold ones that have been infused with various flavors, most commonly cinnamon, vanilla, caramel and a variety of fruits. You can find some real clunkers in this aisle, but you’re safe in the hands of Sailor Jerry ($20) or the ubiquitous Captain Morgan ($19).

Dark rum
Dark rum is aged at least three years in heavily charred oak barrels and carries a complex flavor profile that can rival your better whiskeys. The extra aging mellows it out and brings the sweetness back. Though it can be mixed, it’s best sipped neat, on the rocks or with a squeeze of lime. Try Cruzan Single Barrel ($25).

Super-aged rum
This relatively new category includes hooch that has been in the barrel even longer, usually for five or more years, to bring out more flavor. Though it can be produced from a single spirit, more often than not it is a blend of oldies but goodies. Mount Gay’s 1703 Old Cask Selection ($100) is a good place to start.

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Anybody can have sex on a bed, couch or ironing board in the boring confines of his own home. It takes a special kind of thrill-crazy deviant to screw in a dive bar bathroom, the back of a taxi cab, a public pool or even inside a national monument. That's where getting laid can result in utter humiliation, possible jail time and, in some cases, a nasty staph infection. But those pitfalls are outweighed by the adrenaline-spiked pleasure that awaits those with the balls to bang in public, which is why we've sought out America's naughtiest nooks and crannies with your perverted kicks in mind. So without further ado, here are our 20 favorite places to screw:


Rehab party at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, Nevada

The infamous Sunday afternoon party is the perfect place to befoul an already filthy body of water. Find the right tequila-damaged party girl to sidle up next to, and you're just a trunk-yank away from the most shamefully awesome act you'll ever perform in a public pool. Take your chance in the oil slick of floating belly rings and tanning lotion, or shell out big bucks for a bottle service cabana and close the curtain.

Deno's Wonder Wheel at Coney Island
Brooklyn, New York

Climb into a car at this landmark ride (red and blue ones swing, white ones don't) and wait until you reach the 150-foot peak before you put your own Nathan's Famous to good use. That's when the wheel stops and you can rock your conveniently spacious car with impunity before its slow descent. Between grunts and groans, enjoy stunning aerial views of America's skeeziest beach resort. Afterwards, don't forget to peep some post-coital thrills at Sideshows by the Seashore, where old-school carnies pound nails up their noses, eat broken glass and swallow swords. Then ask yourself who's freakier: them or the weirdo who just had sex on a ferris wheel?

Wild Safari at Six Flags Great Adventure
Jackson, New Jersey

Turn your car into a rolling sexual safari while cruising through the largest drive-thru wildlife preserve outside of Africa. More than 1,200 animals including elephants, giraffes, rhinos, lions, tigers, zebras, kangaroos and brown bears amble through this 350-acre amusement park. The bored-looking beasts will often stroll right up to your vehicle along the four-and-a-half mile auto trail. Beware of overly aggressive baboons who have been known to swarm passing cars and pound on the roof, which could give new meaning to the "hot monkey sex" you're enjoying.

It's a Small World ride at The Magic Kingdom
Orlando, Florida

It may seem like a bad idea to try to have sex on this venerable kiddie ride, but keep in mind that it's surprisingly dark and the young 'uns will be distracted by hundreds of creepy international puppets singing the mind-numbing theme song. Even if your ladyfriend says no to a mere hand job under the Goofy blanket on your lap, you can always suggest it again when you're in line at Space Mountain.

A sauna
The extreme heat reduces the flow of oxygen to your brain, giving you a slight buzz and heightening your already-dazed senses. Just make sure your hot box is in a spa where you can reserve a private area for you and your sweaty sweetie, and jump into the ice-cold plunge pool after for maximum effect. Warning: if this is an old-school bathhouse where naked, mustachioed men are waggling their eyebrows at you, you may be in the wrong kind of sweat shop.

The Box
New York, New York

After she gets revved up by this decadent downtown hotspot's X-rated variety show (burlesque stripteases, cabaret weirdness and dildo play abound), pull her into the handicapped bathroom stall so you can brace yourself on the steel railings. We're sure notoriously hedonistic owner Simon Hammerstein and shirtless, pansexual Box emcee Raven O would approve, but it's best to be discreet in front of other club staffers. If you're dropping a grand on bottle service while partying in a mezzanine level VIP booth, you might as well get your money's worth.

Miller Brewing Factory Tour
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

When you get bored with watching thousands of cans rumble past you on conveyor belts that pack 200,000 cases of beer daily, lag behind your group of tubby tourists and indulge in a quickie in the Caves: a dark, sprawling beer pit where the original brewers stored their suds before the advent of refrigeration. This yeasty cavern is actually a restored portion of the original brewery—started by German immigrant Fredrick Miller in 1855—which has now grown into the nation's second largest brewer, producing 8.5 million barrels a year in Milwaukee alone.

Four Corners National Monument
Arizona/Colorado/New Mexico/Utah

Here's the only place in America where you can have sex in four states at the same time. Located on a Navajo Indian Reservation, this spartan set-up includes a few picnic tables and arts and crafts booths. But the only spot you'll have any privacy to perfect your trademark "Tomahawk Technique" is inside one of the Port-O-Johns near the visitor center. Just make sure you don't tip it over; last time we did that, the Native American headdress we were wearing stank for days.

Notre Dame Stadium
Notre Dame, Indiana

We know that drunken college students across America have attempted (and sometimes succeeded) in putting the "ass" in Astroturf on the 50 yard line of their home stadium. But if you manage to score a testicular touchdown on the field of Notre Dame, one of the most storied stadiums in college football, you'll have the added bragging rights of doin' it on the same grass once trod upon by Knute Rockne and Rudy.

Singapore Airlines
Flight from Newark, New Jersey to Singapore
Forget trying to have hump-a-thons fueled by mini-bottles of booze in that tiny bathroom and do it in an actual bed in the sky. Not only is this the world's longest continuous commercial flight at 19 hours, but the Singapore Airlines Airbus A380 is the first plane to offer an airborne double bed. So what happens after you're done and still have 18 hours and 40 minutes to kill? Luckily, there's an 80-film library available on the seat-back TVs, so at least you won't be stuck watching High School Musical III after you rumple your sheets.

Your office
Like we even have to mention this one. Here's how it works for the uninitiated: Bring her to your place of work after-hours, then take her on a tour which ends with either the conference room or your boss's annoyingly clean desk (your cubicle is already filthy enough). Turn the pictures of his children around, drop your pants and embark on a coital romp you'll be bragging about to your colleagues for years to come. Until he has the cops run a check on one of the pubes you left behind and you get fired, that is.

Bonaventure Cemetery
Savannah, Georgia

Should you wish to desecrate one of the many above-ground tombs that litter this spooky graveyard—made famous in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil—we recommend sneaking over the low wrought-iron fence after dark so you can bask in the evening breezes coming off the Wilmington River. Steel yourself before the unholy act by downing a few "to-go cups" picked up at the nearby bar district. Feeling guilty about defiling the dead? Don't worry, nobody here will complain.

The Tram
Jackon Hole Mountain Resort, Wyoming

On your way up the mountain—before you disembark to shred 2,500 acres of gnarly, snow-capped terrain—get warm the old-fashioned way inside this state-of-the-art ski lift that opened in December 2008. If you luck out and somehow end up being the only two sex-starved skiers in the large steel cabin, you'll have approximately nine glorious minutes before the tram climbs to 4,139 feet and drops you off. Bonus points for doing it with your snow pants around your ankles.

Ocean City Boardwalk
Ocean City, Maryland

Perhaps the most underrated boardwalk on the East Coast, Ocean City boasts generous boom-boom room in certain spots beneath its weathered wooden planks. Only attempt this late at night, unless you want to risk the embarrassment of vacationers staring down at you through the cracks or the shame of Ocean City's finest hauling your sandy ass off to jail. Choose your partner wisely: You'll want to make sure the only crabs you catch are the meaty Maryland blues found in the traps off the pier.

Johnny White's
New Orleans, Louisiana

Make sure veteran bartender "Evil Bob" is distracted by one of the dipsomaniacal regulars at this 24-hour Peter Street dive bar before you duck into the French Quarter's filthiest crapper with your adventurous sweetheart. Though Johnny White's never closes—it famously stayed open during Hurricane Katrina—there is a lock on the bathroom door. If she's willing to bump uglies amid the fetid squalor of this bathroom, by all means put a ring on her dirty little finger.

The Alamo
San Antonio, Texas

You'll definitely "Remember the Alamo" if you manage to show that special somebody your longhorn inside this hallowed Lone Star State battleground. The venerable Spanish mission that was the site of the most famous firefight of the Texas Revolution in 1836 has plenty of nooks to furtively defile, provided you're quicker on the draw than Davey Crockett was. Just try not to get caught with your pants down in front of the groups of schoolchildren trying to learn about our nation's history.

El Matador Beach
Malibu, California

Head north of the public Zuma Beach in Malibu County, turn off the Pacific Coast Highway and pull into a small sandlot that holds about 10 cars. Walk down a steep, narrow and often-muddy path, spiraling down to a beautifully craggy beach and decent surf waves. During low tide, there's a semi-hidden cove that daring couples can enter, unseen by other bathers (of which there are few). Get in and get out, and hope that a playful Labrador doesn't ruin your climax by dropping a Frisbee on your bobbing, bare ass. Best to go in the early morning, or when dusk is falling. Unless, of course, you like to be watched.

On a party boat
Lake Havasu, Arizona

Famously dubbed "Spring Lake" for the boatloads of bikini-clad coeds partying on the countless vessels during Spring Break season, Lake Havasu offers easy views of well-lubricated undergrads having sex aboard floating funships. If you're lucky enough to get in on the action, try not to do it in front of the sunburned douchebag who's rocking a puka-shell necklace and aiming a video camera at you‚ unless, of course, you don't mind being featured on YouPorn. Wanna go fishing for potential boat beauties after dark? Abandon ship and go club-hopping at one of the many meat market nightspots along the lake.

Back seat of a taxi cab
New York, New York

We've fooled around in the laid-back, bead-draped cabs of New Orleans and the notoriously scarce taxis on the Sunset Strip, but the classic NYC yellow cab is your best bet to give or receive oral sex without getting yelled at and dumped onto the street. Your cabbie probably won't even interrupt the animated cell phone conversation he's having in Arabic when he spies her head going up and down in the rear-view mirror. Still nervous? Slip him a $20 bill as soon as you get in and tell him to crank up the radio. Trust us, it works.

The woods
Anywhere, USA

Yeah, that's right, the woods. Remember when you snuck away from that kegger in high school and popped your cherry on a blanket with that girl from your Home Ec class? Sure, you found leaves in your jeans when you got home, and class on Monday morning was incredibly awkward, but you'll treasure that moment forever. Remember: Wherever there is a secluded thicket of trees, two people who feel like makin' love have a place to do just that. Somebody pass us a tissue, we're getting misty-eyed.

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1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.


6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

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The one time I had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, he gave me a heart-shaped box filled with those candy hearts stamped with little messages, and on the outside, the $1.99 price tag was still stuck on. You might think that this must have been a ten-year-old boyfriend from my childhood days, but no, it was just a few years ago. Since my boyfriend was foreign, he probably had a different idea of standard American practice for the holiday, but he also had no money and was cheap to boot.

I hadn't really expected anything from him, but what annoyed me about his gift really wasn't the cheapness - it was the utter lack of originality. What better way to say your love is as generic as a Hallmark greeting card than to (other than give a Hallmark greeting card) get your lover a box of chocolates or a dozen long-stemmed roses? This Valentine's Day getting your sweet thang gifts with a twist on some old stand-bys could much more authentically say "I love you" than a stamp on a pink candy heart.

Flowers:
Nothing is wrong with getting or giving flowers on Valentine's Day, but aren't roses a little played-out? Everybody knows that orchids are much sexier and exotic - just look at a Georgia O'Keefe painting to see where that comes from. Beautiful Orchids in Pacific Heights carries many exotic varieties that you can buy either freshly cut or potted. If you saw Adaptation, I wouldn't ask for the ghost orchid - they've probably heard enough of that by now.

Chocolate:
When you get chocolate for your honey, you're not kidding anybody - you want to stimulate those love chemicals. If you're not timid about showing your true intentions, try out Body Talk, creamy chocolate that's meant to be painted onto your lover's skin and then, well, the rest is up to you. You can buy Body Talk through AKA Gourmet, a San Francisco-based online store that also carries other chocolate products like chocolate long-stemmed roses or prettily-packaged boxes of chocolates.

Dinner:
So of course you'll go out to dinner, but if you really want things to get hot and heavy (as they should), just stay in the kitchen and make your own aphrodisiac-filled meal. A stew of aphrodisiacal ingredients like truffles, vanilla, nutmeg, anise seed, coriander, avocado, chocolate, almonds, asparagus, basil, garlic, liquorice, mustard, arugula, pine nuts, and wine would be one hell of an arousing concoction, though perhaps not the most tasty. Dessert would be unforgettable though. Find hormone-stimulating spices at specialty markets like San Francisco Herb Co. or Rainbow Grocery.

Teddy Bear:
Teddy Bears are cute and all, but what a girl really wants to cuddle up to is a new vibrator. Good Vibrations has some cutesy options like the vibrating rubber ducky or toy-shaped vibrators named Pvt. Private, Chef Frenchie, and Vibo the Clown. Less innocent but equally sexy possibilities for your man is the Prisoner of Love Kit, which includes four fake fur and satin cuffs plus a blindfold, the Bend Over Boyfriend Kit, or the Sensual Massage Kit. Good Vibes is of course the headquarters for all truly cute and loving Valentine's Day needs.

Beautiful Orchids, Home and Orchid Gallery
2550 California Street
(California @ Steiner)
San Francisco, CA 94115
Phone: 415.567.2443
Hours: Tuesday - Friday (10 am - 6 pm),
Saturday - Sunday (10 am - 6:30 pm)

AKA Gourmet
Website: www.akagourmet.com

San Francisco Herb Co.
250 14th Street
(14th @ Mission)
San Francisco, CA 94103
Phone: 415.861.7174
Hours: Monday - Saturday (10 am - 4 pm)

Rainbow Grocery
1745 Folsom Street
(Folsom @ 13th)
San Francisco, CA 94110
Phone: 415.863.0620
Hours: Monday - Sunday (9 am - 9 pm)

Good Vibrations
1210 Valencia Street
(Valencia @ 23rd)
San Francisco, CA 94110
Phone: 415.974.8980
Hours: Sunday - Wednesday (12 - 7 pm),
Thursday - Saturday (11 am - 8 pm)

Or their new location:
1620 Polk Street
(Polk @ Sacramento)
San Francisco, CA 94109
Phone: 415.345.0400
Hours: Sunday - Thursday (11 am - 7 pm),
Friday - Saturday (11 am - 8 pm)


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San Frisky is what San Francisco ought to be called. Look around and you can find a bedlam of fanciful, fun, fetish fashions to wear not only at fairs, balls or clubs but also in your lair. Getting frisky for only Valentine’s or the Folsom Street Fair seems so conservative when there are so many other outfits to wear every day of the year.

I started with the girls in my S Factor pole class. Where did they find their outfits for class? The girls offered numerous places but the real winner seemed to be Foot Worship.

Right after class I went do my homework. I drove to Polk Street, which abounds with ethnic eateries, bars and shops. At the intersection of Sutter I saw Foot Worship, which stands quite tall once you are inside the store. Try 5, 6, 7 or even 9 inches of tallness. The shelves groan with a range of heels that come in numerous styles and colors. There are blood red stilettos, solid gold thigh high boots and black patent platforms to name just a few. Two of my classmates were already at the shop doing their homework and looking for their own foot pleasures.

The best selling item is the “Cinderella glass slipper,” says Hank, the owner. Girls fulfill their glass-slipper-it-fits syndrome by slipping on clear stilettos that can be enlarged or stabilized for $10 if you fear teetering off them. Make it fit with or without an ankle strap. Choose wedge styles that come in clear, cork or even with a couple of Vegas’ dice embedded in them.

Through a side door, along a narrow hallway and up the stairs I find Felicity. She greets me with hypnotic giggles and tells me where I can find Felicity’s Fetiche. Her store stocks “soft fetishes” she tells me. Nothing hardcore here.

What sells hard but in a soft way tends to be Catholic school girl uniforms. Red plaid mini skirts with garters ($40), black tube tops ($22), collar-tie sets (who needs a shirt-$22) hang in one corner. Nurse, cop and Lara Croft outfits also do very well.

As I leave these fetishes behind me and head out the door, I find my classmates still looking for the right shoe. Knowing I am on a mission, they instruct me to head to Luscious Wear just around the block. Within minutes, I find sophisticated looks such as a red baby doll dress or a black and white tuxedo style bra and panty set. The quality of the lingerie is decent with moderate prices. The French maid outfit doesn’t look too bad either.

Down Polk Street, across Market and near the site of the annual Folsom Street Fair, I find some hardcore looks at Mr. S Leather and Madame S. BDSM gear and fashions are their forte. Corsets, red-pink polka dot latex dresses, vinyl dresses, whips, rubber suits and masks line all the walls, racks, shelves, rooms and floor space. Open since 1979, this place looks like it’s here to stay.

Around the corner stands Stormy Leather. Penthouse magazine recently featured a Stormy Leather grommet bra and thong on a front cover. Other amazing finds include a large collection of corsets that come in satin, leather, Bella Donna styles with lace up or zip up closures. I cannot decide which one to try on. All I do know is that my homework is really not over in San Frisky. No -- it’s just getting started.

* Felicity’s Fetiche
1214 Sutter Street, San Francisco, CA 94109
415.474.7874
* Foot Worship
1214 Sutter Street, San Francisco, CA 94109
415.921.3668
* Luscious Wear
1410 Polk Street, San Francisco, CA 94109
415.440.0172
* Mr. S Leather
385 8th Street, San Francisco, CA 94103
415.863.WHIP
* Madame S
385 8th Street, San Francisco, CA 94103 Map
415.863.7764
* Stormy Leather
1158 Howard St., San Francisco, CA 94103 Map
415.626.1672
* S Factor
2159 Filbert Street, San Francisco, CA 94123
415.440.6420

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At Good Vibrations, the iconic white “Rabbit Habit,” a five-inch dildo paired with a friendly, bunny-shaped vibrator, sells for $90. Compared to other items available through the high-end sex toy company that has become a Bay Area institution, this piece of sculpted silicone seems like a bargain. The “Eleven,” for example, a curved rod of stainless steal advertised for both vaginal and anal play (two in one!), bears a price tag of $300. Even the most basic items don’t come cheap. The “Laya” vibe—plastic, compact, discreet—rings up at $46: enough to buy a week’s worth of groceries, or for that matter, 100 condoms.

Still, on a Friday night at the Polk Street store on Nob Hill, business appears to be booming. Despite the recession, which has pressured consumers into tightening their budgets for everything from clothing to entertainment, there’s no shortage of customers browsing the rows of multicolored butt plugs and strap-on kits, smiling optimistically as they place them down on the counter in front of the cash register.

In an airy, white back room covered with tasteful, sensual art, Good Vibes is hosting an erotica reading. Those who stay until the end receive 15-percent-off coupons for anything in the store. As the listeners file out of the reading, they don’t hesitate to mull over massage oils and classic porn DVDs, prepared to pull out their already strained credit cards.

Before the economy took a nosedive last year, accepted business sense said that certain industries would always be recession-proof. If anything, so the thinking went, those industries should be bolstered by tough economic times—when people down on their luck want to block out reality and curl up with their vices.

Alcohol, tobacco, and of course sex: they’ll always sell.

Apparently not. Pornography, the most visible sector of the sex industry, has taken a hit across the board. In January, Larry Flint infamously called for a porn bailout bill, and traditional porn studios report revenue is down 20 to 30 percent. Even online porn, free from the risky cost of printing magazines or DVDs, is feeling the crunch. Hit hard by pirated content, tube sites, and a new generation of consumers who don’t want to pay for their kicks, subscription-based sites are finding it hard to stay afloat in an age when a few Google searches turn up enough free material to get viewers off from now until the end of the economic crisis.

Using the porn industry as a measure, the answer would seem simple: sex + recession = no sale. The reality on the ground, however—business-to-business and person-to-person—makes for a much more complicated equation. In November, The L.A. Times wrote that the women at Donna’s Ranch in Nevada, one of the country’s few legalized brothels, had seen a serious drop in business, leaving them bored and penniless in their hot pants, spending their nights broadcasting seductive sales pitches on the short wave radio to reluctant truckers. Meanwhile, in the same month, sex and health bloggers across the internet began celebrating the economy as a libido stimulus. What better way to work off stress and tension than by jumping into bed?

Every city operates a little differently when it comes to paying for pleasure. Here in San Francisco, a town known for its sexual openness and its libidinous enthusiasm, consumer sex drive isn’t exactly shriveling up along with bank accounts, but that doesn’t mean potential customers are lusting to spend cash either. That is, unless what’s for sale are white silicone dildos.

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Roaming the aisles of the Good Vibrations storehouse, the vast expanse of boxes that sits beneath the Good Vibes headquarters in an unmarked SoMA building, a visitor would never expect the outside world was suffering through a recession. Shelf after shelf has been stocked with piles of fluffy blindfolds and sensual candles, of double-sided dildos in swirling colors—a veritable candy store for the proudly perverse.

Upstairs, in between cubicles peppered with vibrators, there hangs a poster of the Good Vibes corporate staff posing as sexy pirates in celebration of a recent porn DVD release. For the most part though the office appears calm. The only real hint of what these guys sell comes from the faint background hum of customer services reps answering questions about what Good Vibes’ has termed “Bend over, boyfriend.”

Carol Queen, legendary sex educator and head of Good Vibrations, confirms that sales have been brisk at all three of the store’s Bay Are locations: Polk Street, Valencia Street, and another over in Berkeley. While each has a very different customer base, she explains, none has seen a drop in sales. Whether it’s the hipsters in the Mission or the granola college kids in the East Bay, everyone is still in market for a good time.

Look at it the way Queen does, and Good Vibes’ success shouldn’t come as a surprise. Even at $90, a dildo works to a pretty good deal, thinking about it orgasm by orgasm. Say a woman uses her new toy every day for a year. That’s only 25 cents a pop: cheaper certainly than going on a date and splitting the bill, cheaper even than that latex condom.

Up in North Beach, The Lusty Lady—a co-op peep-show theater famously owned by its female performers—reports similar prosperity. Once past the flashing signs over the entrance, the bouncers, and the hall of mirrors, visitors enter the warren of viewing booths, where, for a dollar a minute, they can watch a handful of scantily clothed women in impressively high heels strut their stuff. In the back rooms, linked by tiny black and red corridors, women glam up in front of photos of their family, friends, and children. One performer sits perched on a stool, entirely naked, eating a bowl of cereal.

Like Good Vibes, The Lusty Lady has seen steady profits since the beginning of the recession. Princess, one the peep show’s managers, explains. “The cost of coming here is so much lower than going to a strip club,” she says, where customers often get hassled to shell out more cash for tips, drinks, and lap dances. The Lusty Lady, on the other hand, offers triple the girls for a fraction of the price. Fuschia, a fellow manager and dancer, points out that couples get an even better deal. They can squeeze two into a booth—provided they’re willing to kiss at the door to prove they’re not just looking for 50 percent off.

Princess says the tough economic times have even been driving more performers to The Lusty Lady. With less money to go around at strip clubs, women are up and moving to establishments that can offer them a steadier income. And at this institution, all the profits get split between dancers. Everyone aims to please, because otherwise no one makes money.

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Vibrators and peep shows aside, not everyone in San Francisco’s sex industry is doing so well these days. At this time last year, Kink.com, the internet’s leading fetish porn studio, was growing fast. In 2007 they moved into the Armory, a faux-Moorish castle that dominates a city block at 14th Street and Mission Street. Since its start in 1997, Kink has opened more than seventeen sites, filling niches like water bondage, naked female wrestling, and sex machines. The landmark building the studio now inhabits, once the home of the National Guard, has since been renovated and filled with S/M sets.

Not long ago, it seemed business for the subscription-based porn company was going strong. Studio heads remained “cautiously optimist” about making it through the recession unscathed. They had a consistent customer base, reliable growth, and a plan to continue the millions of dollar worth of renovations on their kinky Moorish castle.

That was according to now ex-Public Relations Manager Thomas Roche. Only three days after speaking on the subject, he was let go, along with more than 10 percent of the Kink.com staff. His concern, even before he knew the impending doom of his job: that the company had expanded too quickly, that cracks had formed in its foundations. It seems he was right.

Without a PR rep, Kink has since declined to comment on the apparent shift in their finances. In the end, they suffered the same blows as other online porn studios. And as arguably San Francisco’s largest sex-based institution, their downturn doesn’t bode well for businesses outside their crumbling red-brick walls.

But there may still be hope. One of the more optimistic theories about the fall of the adult industry goes as follows: the recession will weed out all the lazy, bloated, or otherwise undeserving film makers. In their place, it will leave behind the crème de la crème -- the most creative and cutting edge. Think of it like the great purge of pornography.

That would explain why, while Kink scrambles with its “cautious optimism,” another San Francisco studio is on the up and up. Pink & White Productions has no massive office space, no official shooting area -- unless the second-floor apartment of renowned alternative porn maker Shine Louise Houston counts. Houston started Pink & White after working at Good Vibrations, where she realized just how few well-shot, queer-oriented, female-director pornos were on the market. So she went out and made them.

Houston admits that the sale of her DVDs has dropped off in recent months, though she thinks that’s more due to changing times than the recession. Instead she’s focusing on internet distribution, and she says have been climbing. From her living room sofa in Bernal Heights, she expresses no signs of worry that her online sales will go the way of Kink’s. Houston is offering a unique, concise product. She isn’t the fat that gets cut away. She’s the lean cutting edge that gets left behind.

And that makes sense, but if there’s one trend emerging from the jumble of contradictory reports coming from San Francisco sex businesses, it’s that people are still willing to pay for their pleasure -- but only if they can’t get the same pleasure elsewhere for less.

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Peridot Ash has worked on and off as an escort for fifteen years. A San Francisco local operating under a pseudonym and the author of her blog Friction, Ash recently re-entered the prostitution workforce despite her reluctance. Up until last year she was making decent money as a professional dominatrix—or “pro domme”—but a flood of sex workers has saturated the market, driving prices down so low she decided to return to the higher rates of prostitution proper.

Unfortunately, says Ash, these days prostitutes aren’t earning what they used to either. As escort reviews sites like ErosGuide.com make it easier for independent sex workers to see clients without paying agency fees, and the recession leaves more and more people out of work, she’s seen hundreds upon hundreds of new working girls (and boys) take up the business, driving down prices for all. Add to that the obvious fact that less customers are willing to shell out a few hundred dollars for an hour of fun. “Now my phone only rings two or three times a week,” says Ash.

Ash admits porn and sex toys offer cheaper releases for recession-inspired tension. In passed time of crisis though, as she remembers it, consumers were less likely to keep their wallets closed and their flies zipped tight. After 9/11 her business soared. “Everyone was thinking,” ‘Oh my God, I have to get laid before the world ends!’ I’ll probably never see money like that again.”

If the people of San Francisco think the current economic crisis heralds the collapse of western civilization well, they’re hiding it well. Either that, or they’re planning to wait out the apocalypse under the covers with a new sex toy.


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